Director's Message
Have You Had the Talk Yet? March 2008One of our local papers recently published an article urging adult children to raise their concerns with their aging parents. Several readers took umbrage at the implication in the article that by the age of 70, parents were no longer competent to manage their own affairs. I am sure many of you would also challenge this assumption! At the same time, this connects with the issue I planned to address this month: how do we have family conversations about aging issues? I want to be expansive here and include not only parent-adult child conversations, but sibling conversations, and even extended family. I think that one of the best ways to maintain being in charge of your life throughout your lifespan is to make plans and let your family know what your wishes are. I also assert that this conversation can be initiated by either generation. And just like “the talk” you were supposed to have when they were teens, this is a talk that should go on many times over the years, because your plans and wishes may change as your needs and circumstances evolve. The topics should include preferences for residence and care, designating powers of attorney for health and financial issues, advance directives, wills and estate plans, where you keep important records, funeral and burial plans, and a HIPPA release for medical records.
These are not easy conversations in most families. No one wants to lose loved ones. We live in a culture that denies aging or treats it like a taboo. Parent-child roles are powerful and enduring. Many families live at a distance so family gatherings only occur on major holidays, and no one wants to raise the “serious issues” on happy occasions, or it’s already stressful, or too short a visit, or the kids are in the room, or it’s raining… Sometimes it is the parents who are uncomfortable, sometimes the children, sometimes only one person in the family who keeps changing the subject. But by avoiding the discussions, we can miss important opportunities to share and listen and honor each other. Many people are able to maintain independence throughout their lives, but if the day comes when you can not make safe and appropriate decisions for yourself, wouldn’t it be better to have a plan in place that everyone understands and supports?
I recently met with an adult child who told me that her brother was the legal power of attorney, but he didn’t know he had been designated and didn’t want to do it, and now her father was not competent to change it. Another bemoaned the conflict among her siblings over their parent’s care plan. In another situation, we are seeking a family member who will make decisions where there are no children. The examples of what can happen when you put off these conversations are endless.
Here are some suggestions that may help on this journey:
· Don’t wait for a crisis. Start now!
· Don’t leave out key players.
· Find a neutral starting point such as a news item or article to ask how your family feels about an issue.
· Use another person’s experience to talk about how you would want things to be similar or different.
· Set aside time for a family meeting and let everyone know ahead of time so they can feel prepared.
· Prepare your own thoughts in advance. Bring along information that can help you describe the choices you have made.
· If you are the adult child, list specific examples that illustrate your concerns.
· Be open to other ideas or perspectives that you might not have considered. Listen to what everyone feels, thinks and needs.
· Anticipate concerns and be ready to address them.
· Ask for help from a professional such as one of PSRC’s social workers or a geriatric care manager who are trained in conducting family meetings.
Don’t give up. You may get resistance or it may feel uncomfortable but keep going!
Susan W. Hoskins, LCSW
Executive Director
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Previous MessagesJune 2013 - Age Friendly Communities June 2013 - Age Friendly Communities May 2013 - Navigating a Changing HealthCare Landscape March 2013 - Navigating Life’s Transitions February 2013 - Partners in Caring Princeton January 2013 - Men as Caregivers December 2012 - The Safety Net October 2012 - Documenting Your History September 2012 - A Journey of Transformation July - August 2012 - Gratitude & Moving March 2012 - Patient-centered Care February 2012 - Can you Spare an Hour? January 2012 - Challenges & Opportunities December - Are you Prepared for Emergencies? October - Chocolate for Memory September- Looking Back and Looking Forward Lessons and Legacies, March 2011 Independent Living February 2011 Witness to my Life December 2010 Elections, benefits and open enrollment November 2010 Strategic Planning September 2010 Hiring Home Care December 2009 Annual Giving by Sharon Naeole November 2009 Flu Pandemic 2009 October 2009 Healthy Memory, Healthy Mind September 2009 A Personal Perspective on Caregiving July/August 2009 Wei Ji: Crisis, Danger and Opportunity April 2009 Write your own obituary March 2009 Hope and Vision in Challenging Times Medicare Changes 2008: Take A Look! December 2008 Scams, Frauds and Rip-offs November 2008 Engaged Retirement: Beyond Financial Planning October 2008 September 2008 Caregiver Dilemmas Finding Rhythm and Purpose July/August 2008 V + OA = ER (Volunteering + Older Americans=Engaged Retirement)May 2008 Have You Had the Talk Yet? March 2008 Get Moving with FitRhythms™! February 2008 What Are Social Services? November 2007 Plan for the Future September 2007 The Up-side of Aging Summer 2007 National Conference on Aging: Let's ReThink Aging April 2007 Season of Giving December 2006 April Hill McElroy October 2006 Civic Engagement September 2006 White House Conference on Aging May 2006 Are You Prepared? October 2005 Watch Your Language September 2005 The End of the Journey May 2005 New Dietary Guidelines February 2005 Civic Engagement with GrandPals October 2004 The Challenge of Giving Care May 2004 Seniors On The Move April 2004 Random Acts of Kindness December 2003 Civic Engagement November 2003 |