Director's Message
A Personal Perspective on Caregiving July/August 2009Directors Message July-August 2009: A Personal Perspective on Caregiving Many of you have asked me how my in-laws are doing, and told me that you were touched by my message a year ago when I was caring for them. The journey continues.
Sometimes it is hard to know when caregiving begins. It is often easy to miss the first signs that help is needed, especially when visits are infrequent. Parents deny and children don’t want to see diminished capacity. It is challenging to navigate the path in a way that addresses concerns, reduces dangers and preserves dignity and self-determination. There was the year of the car crash when we thought they should stop driving (she did, he didn’t). Then the years of medication errors, health crises and turning over bill-paying, then our taking the keys, making the appointments, doing the shopping, cleaning and cooking, and this year adding personal care, as frailty and confusion have grown. Somewhere along the way, the roles changed.
My sister-in-law (L) has been committed to keeping her parents at home (in Oregon), as they wished. About four years ago she moved them back home from the continuing care community when the staff started encouraging them to consider assisted living. At first, the four children visited during the summer and holidays (all from significant distance), but the emergency trips for health crises increased and it became clear that they could not manage independently. Attempts to find a suitable caregiver and a move to a retirement community failed after a significant health event, and L. found herself staying for longer stretches. Last summer we tag-teamed turns, and L. took over on Labor Day. In November she took them home with her to Hawaii after caregiving took a toll on her mental and physical health and we all encouraged her to go home.
Until this year, my in-laws insisted that they live in their home community and that they could manage on their own. Our presence was viewed as “visiting” not caregiving. Offers to live with daughters or other retirement communities were rejected. The children respected this as long as they could. When we visited in March, we helped L. explain that they could not return home in the Spring.
Caregiving on this journey has not been without challenges. All four siblings live at a distance, and three are teachers and parents. One is a pragmatic westerner in her treatment approach, while another has an eastern orientation to life. Ancient forgotten parent and sibling issues and resentments have resurfaced. These issues become more prominent as the years go by and the care needs grow. Last summer I was able to leave the house to shop or walk on the beach. Now someone must be present 24/7, so siblings are taking turns again this summer helping L and making plans for the fall. April is there now and my husband just arrived for his turn.
Lessons learned:
Many of you may relate to these reflections—or have your own--from your personal experience. I am grateful for the things I have learned from all of you that I apply to my family, and to the things I have learned from them that I apply to my work. How can we all use our caregiving experience to inform how we become good care recipients?
Susan W. Hoskins, LCSW
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Previous MessagesJune 2013 - Age Friendly Communities June 2013 - Age Friendly Communities May 2013 - Navigating a Changing HealthCare Landscape March 2013 - Navigating Life’s Transitions February 2013 - Partners in Caring Princeton January 2013 - Men as Caregivers December 2012 - The Safety Net October 2012 - Documenting Your History September 2012 - A Journey of Transformation July - August 2012 - Gratitude & Moving March 2012 - Patient-centered Care February 2012 - Can you Spare an Hour? January 2012 - Challenges & Opportunities December - Are you Prepared for Emergencies? October - Chocolate for Memory September- Looking Back and Looking Forward Lessons and Legacies, March 2011 Independent Living February 2011 Witness to my Life December 2010 Elections, benefits and open enrollment November 2010 Strategic Planning September 2010 Hiring Home Care December 2009 Annual Giving by Sharon Naeole November 2009 Flu Pandemic 2009 October 2009 Healthy Memory, Healthy Mind September 2009 A Personal Perspective on Caregiving July/August 2009 Wei Ji: Crisis, Danger and Opportunity April 2009 Write your own obituary March 2009 Hope and Vision in Challenging Times Medicare Changes 2008: Take A Look! December 2008 Scams, Frauds and Rip-offs November 2008 Engaged Retirement: Beyond Financial Planning October 2008 September 2008 Caregiver Dilemmas Finding Rhythm and Purpose July/August 2008 V + OA = ER (Volunteering + Older Americans=Engaged Retirement)May 2008 Have You Had the Talk Yet? March 2008 Get Moving with FitRhythms™! February 2008 What Are Social Services? November 2007 Plan for the Future September 2007 The Up-side of Aging Summer 2007 National Conference on Aging: Let's ReThink Aging April 2007 Season of Giving December 2006 April Hill McElroy October 2006 Civic Engagement September 2006 White House Conference on Aging May 2006 Are You Prepared? October 2005 Watch Your Language September 2005 The End of the Journey May 2005 New Dietary Guidelines February 2005 Civic Engagement with GrandPals October 2004 The Challenge of Giving Care May 2004 Seniors On The Move April 2004 Random Acts of Kindness December 2003 Civic Engagement November 2003 |